God’s Love and Mercy

04-29-2018Weekly ReflectionA testimony from an anonymous parishioner

I have been praying about writing this for a few weeks now. It is a letter of praise and thanksgiving to our Lord Jesus for His love and mercy, as well as thankfulness for the witness Fr. Chad gave me of God's unlimited love for me.

Quite some time ago now, my husband had an affair. It was devastating. Not only did I have to mourn the loss of what I thought marriage was supposed to be, but my faith life went from a waterfall of grace to a trickling fountain that I could barely turn on. While my husband was deeply sorrowful and was finally seeking help for his issues, I felt completely broken. A lot of the thoughts I had when I was away from the Church came back with such a vengeance. The enemy knew how to attack me with fears, anxieties, and feelings of unworthiness to come before Jesus. I was afraid to go to Jesus, afraid of what might be in store for me if I kept striving for holiness, afraid of what my next cross would be.

Of course, none of those thoughts were from the Lord. I was in need of healing, healing that only He could give, but I was ignorant to the fact that I was not allowing Him to heal me. My struggle with perfectionism was rearing its ugly head and I convinced myself if I could just smile and forgive it would all go away and the fire I had for Jesus would come back...like a light switch. Through a lot of anguish, I discovered this was not true, and although I didn't realize it, Jesus was so loving and patient with me during all this time. He had this ocean of mercy and love that He was just longing to pour into my heart if only I would let fear fall away, open the door, and, in my brokenness, let Him in. I can't imagine how much sorrow I gave Him when I wouldn't trust Him or let Him love me, but I am so thankful He sees the hurt behind our sinfulness.

I remember feeling frustrated after having had confession because I was confessing the same sins and I was stuck in the same place. I had just given birth to another precious child. I was longing for healing and hope. After leaving confession, I looked at my sweet baby, our other children, and my dear husband...I felt so very unworthy and so troubled in my heart because they were incredibly beautiful. I saw Christ in them, and yet, I was consumed with this fear of trusting that Jesus was for me, for my children, for my marriage. The truth is, He was fighting for me! My mama, Our Lady, warrior that she is, was fighting for me! In that moment though, I couldn't see any of it. However, during Holy Week, as I was praying before the Blessed Sacrament and I was begging Jesus to restore me, I heard Him speak. He said, "My precious daughter, I already have. Why do you not trust me? I am for you." It was beautiful! I decided to surrender, as best I could with all my faults and imperfections and tell Him to flood my heart with His mercy, His love, His healing. I told Him I was afraid, but I trust Him, and prayed for the grace to trust Him more because He is so gentle with us! I came as I was to His feet and He set a fire in my soul!

In the weeks following, I have reflected on all this, but especially these past few days. The other day, I was reflecting upon the Gospel reading of the adulterous woman. In times past, when I would reflect on that reading, especially when I was coming back to the Church, I saw myself as the adulterous woman. I saw myself bruised and reaching out to Jesus. I saw Him seeing my worth, my beauty, and saying to me with such love, "Neither do I condemn you." Interestingly, while reflecting on that reading the other day, I saw myself holding a stone and I saw the other woman my husband had been with. I was so angry! I said to Jesus, "Lord, she hurt me! She hurt my family!" I wanted to stone her. I wanted her to feel the hurt she had caused me. But as I was reflecting, the Lord said to me, "I know. But I love her." In that moment I saw how beautiful she was as my sister in Christ. I saw how hungry she was for love...as I had been at a time in my life. I saw her shame, and by the grace of God I felt love for her as a precious daughter of God who was also in need of His healing. I saw my husband as a precious son, also in need of healing, who has been trying to fight the addictions and temptations of this fallen world.

I remember when I first came to Fr. Chad in confession after I had found out about the affair, and he said to me that it might sound strange, but he was excited to see what God would bring out of this suffering. I am so thankful to Fr. Chad for those words. In those words, he planted that seed of a reminder that after the Passion there is a Resurrection. Alleluia! Through this, I have realized that I will stumble. I will stumble many times, as I have many faults. BUT rather than despair, I know that Jesus wants to extend forgiveness and that Jesus is gentle with us. Even though I may fear my potential crosses (and even if I always struggle with that fear) I know that in His mercy He will see my willingness to trust, my desire to trust, and He will pour His grace and mercy into my heart because He is goodness. So, I thank Fr. Chad for his care and love. I wanted to share with him and all my brothers and sisters in Christ my joy, and the part God gave Fr. Chad in helping me see that it was waiting for me.