Corpus Christi Blog

Awakening to the Catholic Church

11-19-2017Weekly ReflectionMarlo Smith, from Catholic Answers Magazine, Nov-Dec 2017 issue

I was baptized Catholic and grew up in a Catholic family. Like many Catholic families, we attended Mass most weeks, said prayers now and then, and were taught the basics about God, Jesus, and Mary. Yet I never saw the Catholic Church for what it was; I never realized the enormous comfort, strength, and wisdom contained in the Church. I spent so many years of my life looking for answers and fulfillment in all the wrong places, not realizing that the treasure I was looking for was right before me all along! This is the journey that led me back to the church and awakened me to its abundant grace and beauty.

As a young adult, I attended Mass somewhat regularly but would describe myself as a half-hearted Catholic at best. I loved God and wanted to serve him, but wasn't convinced that I necessarily needed a religion or church to do that. I was married and had my first son by the age of twenty-one, so I went to church mainly for my son's sake.

My husband had never been baptized; he believed in God and was not opposed to me going to church or raising our son in the Faith, but he just didn't have much interest. He used to say "I'm good" or "I'd rather go for a hike" when I'd ask him to come to church. During this time of my life, I was busy going to college, taking care of my child, and trying to make something of myself. So, for the most part, God was on the back burner.

Growing anxiety

As I entered my thirties, I started having more and more anxiety. On one occasion, during a meeting with my boss, I was so nervous that I couldn't talk. Every time I tried to speak my voice would shake and was almost inaudible. This was an alarming experience, and I started to worry about my ability to continue working.

Over the years, I had tried various ways to manage anxiety such as practicing mindfulness and meditation, which helped a bit, but there was always something missing. It was at this point that I finally cried out to Jesus for help. I kept saying over and over in my head, "Jesus, I need you...please help me, I can't do this without you!" I couldn't do it on my own any longer— I needed Jesus to take over.

Shortly after I began pleading to Jesus for help, I heard about a young prodigy in Idaho named Akiane Kramarik who was painting extraordinary pictures of Jesus and the Blessed Mother. I was told that one of her paintings, Prince of Peace, was acknowledged in the book Heaven is for Real. The little boy from this true story had a near-death experience in which he met Jesus in heaven. After his experience, the boy saw Akiane's painting of Jesus and told his father, "That is what Jesus looks like!"

This story intrigued me, so I looked for Akiane's painting of Jesus and was instantly in love with it. I bought a few copies of it and downloaded it to my phone and home computer. For the next several months, I gazed at this picture every day, many times a day, and contemplated who Jesus was. Each time I looked at it, I felt Jesus comforting me and could sense his overwhelming power and gentleness. Anytime I started to feel anxious, I looked at the picture. Gradually, I started to feel calmer and more at ease.

A fresh perspective

Several months later, a book titled The Rosary: The Prayer That Saved My Life, by Immaculee Ilibagiza, caught my attention. Over the years, I always kept a rosary at my bedside and most nights I even put it under my pillow. I sometimes held it and prayed a Hail Mary and Our Father, but I rarely ever prayed the whole rosary. Since I was naturally attracted to the Blessed Mother, Iknew I needed to read this book.

Immaculee was a survivor of the 1994 genocide in Rwanda in which nearly all of her family perished. During the genocide, Immaculee hid in a bathroom with seven other women for three months and was miraculously never captured. I read nearly all of her books in no time at all. What inspired me most about Immaculee was her unwavering faith and deep love for Jesus, Mary, the rosary, and the Catholic Church.

Immaculee gave me a fresh perspective of the Church that I desperately needed. I can see now how anti-Catholicism and anti-religion sentiments had subtly influenced me over the years, planting seeds of doubt in my faith. Thankfully, my doubts were beginning to fall away, and with renewed faith I was inspired to start praying the rosary every day.

After about four months of this, I could feel myself drawing closer to God, but my outer life didn't seem to match what was happening inside of me. My husband had always struggled with drinking, and his habits seemed to be getting worse. Big changes were happening inside of me, but it seemed that my husband was going the other direction. I was beginning to wonder how much longer I would be able to stay with him. I knew that God didn't want divorce, but I couldn't see myself continuing this lifestyle.

Little did I know that changes were about to begin for my husband as well. One morning, after a heavy night of drinking, my husband came to me and said that he was done drinking. He said that he knew if he didn't stop, he was going to lose his family. These were miraculous words to hear him say! Over all the years, never once did he say he would stop—in fact, healways said the opposite: "I'll never stop drinking."

I knew he wasn't just saying this; I sensed that something had changed inside of him. Quitting drinking was not easy, and there were certainly some struggles at the beginning, but with God's help he has been sober for nearly four years. And the best part is that as soon as he stopped drinking, he became more interested in going to church.

The power of daily Mass

Lent came around, and I wanted to do something meaningful, something that would help me grow closer to God. I decided I would attend daily Mass for Lent. I had never attended daily Mass before, but my schedule at the time allowed for it, and it seemed like the right thing to do.

It turned out to be a life-changing experience for me. After only a couple of days, I noticed a lot of resistance inside of me. In the morning while I was getting ready, I would be thinking, "Why am I doing this? This is really a waste of time. Why would anyone need to go to Mass every day? This is crazy!" But since I had made this commitment for Lent, I was resolved to stick it out. Sometimes, even after I got myself to church, I would be sitting in the pew thinking, "I should just leave...I don't want to be here...no one here is very friendly anyway."

This was a huge learning experience for me, because I saw clearly that my mind was resisting, yet I was pushing through it, I wasn't letting it stop me. I realized that just because my thoughts demand something doesn't mean I have to listen; I don't have to obey every negative thought that pops in my head. After a couple of weeks, the negative thoughts went away, and I found myself looking forward to going every morning. And to my surprise, my husband started asking if he could tag along!

About halfway through Lent I noticed a subtle peacefulness in situations that would normally make me nervous. I realized that daily Mass was having an effect on me. I was still praying the rosary daily, and I can see now that the Blessed Mother was slowly leading me back to the sacraments, and to her Son.

I started contemplating the Eucharist and whether or not I truly believed that Jesus was actually present in the bread and wine. I thought of my grandmother who used to say, "I don't understand why people don't come to church. Jesus is right there in the Eucharist, you can ask him for anything!" I also remembered St. Teresa of Calcutta saying that if we only knew what was happening during Mass, everyone would come crawling to church. And then there were the words of Jesus: "This is my body." Did I believe that Jesus meant what he said? He was pretty clear in saying that he was giving us his body as food to eat; why didn't I fully believe him?

Eucharist and confession

The Eucharist was either the most meaningful thing I could ever do, or it was completely meaningless; no more half-hearted, middle-of-the-road stance on this issue! I decided to dive in and truly embrace the Eucharist. Even if my senses told me otherwise, even if I didn't fully understand it, I was going to believe in the true presence of Jesus in the bread and wine with all my heart, and I would not take this gift for granted any longer. Suddenly, my reason for attending Mass was different—I was going to meet Jesus, face to face! And everything at church took on new meaning and importance.

After I embraced the Eucharist, I had a strong desire to go to confession. I hadn't gone since I was a kid. It seemed unnecessary. Why would I need to tell a priest my sins? I could just tell God on my own.

But the urge to go to confession would not leave me. One morning, as I was getting ready for Mass, I had a strong feeling that I needed to go to confession Now! I told God, "Okay, I'll go to confession, but I don't know how to make it happen today, if you set it up for me, I'll do it," and I left for church.

After Mass, I stayed in my seat as everyone left. I wasn't thinking about confession, but I didn't feel like rushing out. I finally got up, started walking toward the door, and then turned around and thought, "I should go out the other door." When I turned, I saw the priest walking toward me. It was just me and him walking toward each other. In that instant, I knew God had set it up for me and I had to follow through. My heart was pounding. I couldn't pass up this opportunity.

As we got closer, I stopped and said "Father, I'm sorry to bother you, but could I say confession right now?" This was the hardest thing I've ever done, but also turned out to be the most liberating experience of my life. When I left confession, I was in tears—the peace I felt was overwhelming. I remember not wanting to talk the rest of the day, because I didn't want to lose this peace. I realized that we do need the sacrament of confession—desperately! It is a direct and profound way to experience God's grace and mercy!

By the end of Lent that year, my love for God and his Church was on fire! My husband also grew in faith and was baptized the following year at the Easter Vigil. I had finally recognized the countless gifts given to us through the Church: the Eucharist and all the sacraments, the rosary, the Blessed Mother, adoration, the communion of saints, the liturgy, and the Holy Bible—a goldmine of wisdom and grace, available for everyone! I'm so grateful to have finally awakened to the "pillar of truth": the Church!

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